Have you ever heard someone say, "I've always wanted to be a mother" or "I knew I was meant to be a mother"?
Yeah, well, that ain't me.
I've never felt that way. In fact, for as long as I can remember, I've had reservations about becoming a mother and everything that comes along with that role. The immense responsibility was something I never took lightly. I would be utterly confused when I would hear young girls in my generation gush about having kids. Didn't they know how life altering that could be? Now, I'll admit, the environment I grew up in didn't exactly contribute to positive associations with kids, either. Although there was love and nurturing in my household and family, I was still exposed to struggle, poverty and the like. I have some amazing memories growing up in NOLA...but I have some grim ones, too. No matter the origin, I just know that my feeling towards motherhood has always been indifference. Then, the older I got and the more I learned, I doubled down on my stance. Yes, my environment changed for the better, but the more I matured and experienced, the more apprehensive I felt. It was the realization that, before I even made it to motherhood, I also had to go through pregnancy and labor/delivery. I had to find a partner worthy of building a family with and not to mention a healthy marriage because my personal prayer was to have a life and family opposite of the unhealthy versions I had seen. Whew. I can feel the sweat beading on my forehead right now! And to add insult to injury, society does a piss poor job of showing the beautiful parts of what motherhood could be. We are inundated with the horrors of it all. Then, the healthcare system...you know what? That's an entirely different post, but I'm sure you can see where I'm going with this.
You could give me 1,000 reasons why I should start a family and I could give you 2,000 reason why I shouldn't. I didn't feel a shift in my viewpoint until I started deepening my faith. Let me explain. The more I learned about God and His plans, the more I relinquished my own. I realized that the stronghold of "fear" within me did not come from Him. I realized that the details of my life had already been taken care of, and as long as He was in control, I had absolutely nothing to fear or worry about. That was the beginning of freedom for me...freedom from the worry of anything! Pregnancy and motherhood no longer seemed scary or daunting. I let go of the wheel and embraced the privileges of being in relationship with God. What that looked like for me was, instead of constantly worrying about these things, I took all my concerns to Him. All my concerns, fears, desires, plans...I laid them all at His feet. Because of this, I eventually received the confirmation of a lifetime that I was indeed meant to become a mother (you can read all about that confirmation right here).
No more than 2 months after I received confirmation, I was pregnant. Wow! I didn't expect it to happen so soon, but there was no turning back! I was anxious, but my faith stayed strong. I had prayed that my journey wouldn't look like all those "scary" ones that I had seen. And day after day, God blew my mind. I stayed committed to trusting Him and His plans and I can honestly say, I couldn't have asked for a better experience. No, everything wasn't perfect...but I was happy, healthy, and thriving. I broke free of the toxic habit of conjuring up ridiculous hypotheticals and rested in His word and promises. After years of struggling with anxiety, I was navigating a brand new unknown with such peace and grace. Imagine that! I knew that whatever came my way, I was equipped to handle.
I made it through 9 beautiful months without incident. Of course, I experienced the typical challenges like fatigue and nausea during the first trimester and discomfort during the third trimester, but overall, I felt great! I made it a priority to focus on the things I could control. Then, the time had finally arrived for the next unknown: labor and delivery. And God blew my mind, yet again! Now, just because I trusted God to handle everything doesn't mean I didn't prepare. I educated myself on procedures and common complications. I did what I could throughout pregnancy to maintain good health. I made sure my life insurance policy was squared away (not even joking. I have faith, but I'm not delusional). And I made myself comfortable with the fact that this baby was coming and I had to labor to get her here. I kept reminding myself that the pain would only be temporary and that there was so much joy on the other side of it. I didn't obsess about the details of it all...just took it in stride.
Once my water finally broke a week before her due date, I practiced my favorite calming mechanism: quietly reciting Psalm 23 while taking slow, deep breaths. That, along with the support of my husband, got me through the contractions, and our daughter was delivered no more than 6 hours later! I had done it! Since her birth, I've taken everything day by day. It has not been 100% easy, but it's been rewarding. It's unlike anything I could've imagined in all the best ways. I am forever changed because of this experience.
I will continue to move through motherhood and life the same way I moved through this pregnancy: relying on my faith, and handling uncertainties with as much poise as possible. This pregnancy taught me lessons that I know no other experience could. It's the manifestation of the idea that "You can't control everything that happens to you, but you can control your response."
And that's a powerful skill to perfect.